12.20.18 |11:15am

STILLWATER, MN – Local coward Bradley Meulenberg, 47, died his 998^th death on Saturday when he meekly declined to help a woman being bullied by a man on line at a local movie theater concession stand. Patrons at Marcus Oakdale Cinema reported that a physically imposing, possibly inebriated middle-aged man yelled at a young woman when he thought she was cutting his place in line. Meulenberg, standing between the two, offered no assistance to the woman.

“I saw the whole thing from the back of the line,” said cinema patron Josh Payton. “The big guy was in front, the mousey-looking dude [Meulenberg] was behind him, then the young woman. Longline with only one server.  Another server walks out and says, ‘Can I help the next person in line?’ The big guy was second in line, just about to be served.  Meulenberg doesn’t move, so the woman looked at him and big guy, assumed they were good, then steps up to the new server. Big guy just lost it. Starts cursing her out. He’s two sentences in when the server on his line says, ‘Sir, can I help you?’

[Meulenberg]just stood between the two of them and didn’t say anything.  Got all red in the face.  He did this craven shuffle-step to the side,” distancing himself between the woman and the increasingly irate man.  The man towered over the woman, Payton continued, “in a very threatening way. Finally, a couple of guys in back of the line walked up and told the jerk to back off, to leave the woman alone. [He] cursed at them and turned back to the server. That [wimp Meulenberg] just stood there the whole time.”

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“’The coward dies a thousand deaths, the brave but one.’ Man, that just about nails Brad, doesn’t it?” said work acquaintance and cube neighbor Jim Frey. “His boss walks all over him, but there’s always some excuse with that guy: ‘I’ve got a mortgage.’ ‘Bosses will be bosses.’ Doesn’t mean you have to be a doormat, does it, Brad? That’s nothing, you should hear how his [teenage] daughter talks to him.”

Psychologist Jordan Lemky, an associateprofessor at Minnesota State University, Mankato, said that from an early age, Meulenbergdisplayed all the hallmarks of a condition known as persistent cowardice – refusing to stand up for himself or othersat the hands of injustice, retreating at the slightest sign of conflict, consistentlyfailing to pursue his real desires and dreams.

“Persistent cowardice is defined as a failure to act in the way one knows to be right. This moral failure pervades all areas of the coward’s life. His is an existence ruled by fear.  He fears conflict, he fears disappointing or offending others. He even secretly fears achieving success at what he really wants because he believes he doesn’t deserve genuine happiness. There are millions of Bradleys out there, neutered and lovelorn adults who limp along in careers and relationships they ultimately know to be a sham, the unhappy detritus of myriad compromises – an inevitable result of the dereliction of their true selves. When Meulenberg dies, he may be briefly pitied by those who knew him, but ultimately he is destined to be unmourned and forgotten.”

Several of Meulenberg’s long-time acquaintances gathered to corroborate his history of cowardice. Rick Doshan, who has known Meulenberg since high school, recounted his dating history, one replete with betrayals, broken promises and cuckoldry. “There was one good girl in that whole rotten bunch. Remember that girl Tara Leonard? He dated her for about six months in the early 2000s. Tara threw him that amazing thirtieth birthday party. She really seemed to believe in him.  She goes out of town on a business trip for a week, and he ends up ghosting her. She called me like ten times demanding to know why Brad won’t call her back. She ended it shortly after that.”

According to Professor Lemkey, ghosting– the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without warning or explanation withdrawing from all communication – is a common tactic of the extreme coward, and “perfectly fits with Meulenberg’s pusillanimous behavior toward those closest to him. Given the choice, the coward retreats to his safe space of inaction. He equivocates and delays on any real decision. Relationships atrophy.”

Doshan continued: “Brad said it wasn’tgoing to work with Tara.  Some bull abouther being Presbyterian and he was Methodist. He never cared about that stuff. After his mother died [in 2008], Brad never stepped foot in a churchagain.

Right after Meulenberg’s cowardly break-upwith Leonard – his 762^nd figurative death – he met the woman whowould become his wife, Marsha Evans.  

“Look, I don’t want to say too muchabout it,” said Phil Iorio, another long-time acquaintance.  “Except that a week before their wedding date,Brad found out she was carrying on with a buddy of his.  He married her anyway.  Unbelievable.”

Meulenberg’s gutless disposition also revealeditself in his choice of profession. Although several of his acquaintances report that he secretly harbored adesire to become an interior designer, Meulenberg “fell into” a demoralizing,spiritually unfulfilling career in actuarial insurance right after college.  

“Bradley had these amazing drawings hewould do in the dorm room,” said Meulenberg’s sophomore year roommate, JackDillard.  “Every place we went, he would commentabout ways to make the space more efficient and look better for people.  He had a real eye.”

College classmates at Hamline University still fondly remember the 1980s-themed dance party that Meulenberg helped organize for his dorm at the beginning of their sophomore year. “They put Brad in charge of decorating the dancehall. Man, he went wild. It was amazing,” said college classmate Julie Melnick. “It was [over] twenty years ago, but I remember it like [it was] yesterday. The hall looked like [popular 1984 movie] “Sixteen Candles.” All the decorations were perfect. He even found this old RCA [TV] from the 80’s and looped a Max Headroom video on it.”

Dillard also recalled the event: “Bradley had a vision, an unerring eye for the aesthetics. He got involved in the music playlist, the dress code, even the food they served. New Coke, freeze-dried astronaut ice cream, stuff like that. And didn’t he bake that Rubik’s Cube cake? Holy smokes, that was amazing.”

In a series of interviews withreporters, several classmates corroborated Julie Melnick’s opinion that the1980s-themed dance party was “like, the best party we had that year.”

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Dillard marveled at Meulenberg’s new-found energy: “I never saw him that passionate about anything, except maybe those afternoons he snuck off to the Goldstein Museum [of Design].  Yeah, interior design. He might have done something with that,” Dillard concluded, his voice trailing off.

During his second semester of sophomore year, Meulenberg switched majors from English to accounting.  Meulenberg recently recounted the life-changing decision to area reporters: “I came home for Christmas break sophomore year and said I wanted to enroll at the architecture and design school.  My old man lost it.  ‘What are you going to do with a degree like that, be some decorator?’  He said I would be living in his basement till I was thirty.  Then I started to think about that life, living hand-to-mouth.  I just decided, maybe this interior design thing isn’t right for me.  Old man’s got a point.  Better something safe and dependable.  

This act of cowardice and spiritual death-- number 448 in his life – ended in Meulenberg taking a job as an actuary at a St. Paul insurance company, Home Services Inc., after his graduation from Hamline University in 1996.  Meulenberg, who moved out of his parent’s house at twenty-nine, said that he has had a few “nice” promotions in his twenty-two years employed at Home Service.  

“I’m now the senior actuary in our regional group,” Meulenberg reported, a geographic area that includes Minnetonka and “most of Bloomington.”  

“Of course, this figurative death will pale in comparison to Meulenberg’s literal death in the near future,” said Associate Professor Lemky.  “J.R.R. Tolkien was right.  Meulenberg spent his life flying from fear, only to take a short cut to meet it. His final and literal death two years from now – number 1,000 – will come as a result of his refusal to see a doctor for the persistent headaches he will have had for at least six months beforehand. The unsung milksop will pathetically explain to family and friends that he should have gone earlier, except he’s ‘always had afear of doctors.’”

Meulenberg could not be reached for comment at press-time, citing an urgent work deadline that he had to meet, “or my boss will kill me.”

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“Of course, this figurative death will pale in comparison to Meulenberg’s literal death in the near future.”