Citing numerous distractions, side projects, and hobbies taken up and quickly discarded, friends and associates of supermarket deli manager Troy Grenn told reporters today that he is unable to get his shit together long enough to read Jack Canfield’s perennial self-help best-seller “The Success Principles.”

STILLWATER, MN – Local coward Bradley Meulenberg, 47, died his 998th death on Saturday when he meekly declined to help a woman being bullied by a man on line at a local movie theater concession stand. Patrons at Marcus Oakdale Cinema reported that a physically imposing, possibly inebriated middle-aged man yelled at a young woman when he thought she was cutting his place in line. Meulenberg, standing between the two, offered no assistance to the woman.